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Thursday, April 15, 2010

I was feeling

numb, breathless, lost my direction, don't know what should I do and my legs become soft, like those jelly fish.Yeah, every moment is just so hard for me. Is like the end of the day. My heart ached and all I can do was just to pray hard that my lil bro is safe.

Yesterday, my sister was calling me but I ignored cause I was in class attending my tutorial class. Right after it become a miss-called, I texted her and asked her what's up and told her I was in the class and couldn't answered her. She replied me that my lil bro involved in an accident. Just short like that without further details. By that time, I become panicked and shaking. Thus, I ran out from the class and started to call her and asked for more details.  She told me he involved in an accident and asked did I know about it. I probed and asked where is he now, whether he is in TI or Ipoh, and she told me she didn't know and she thought I knew it.

I called my mum then after I hang up the phone. Once is was connected, all I can hear was that mum's voice was shaking and told me he is now in the hospital and they were still trying to rescue ("kap kau kan") him. I can sense the frustrated mood of her as like many people was calling and she is just so frustrated to answer as she don't know how was him as he is still inside the EU. All she asked for me is to pray for my lil bro so that he will be able to go through this "obstacles".

Little did I know, my tears drop profusely. The words "kap kau kan"(translate to cantonese for better understanding) really hit my nerves as it was a real deep shit was happenning. Since mum don't know what was the condition, I tried to call dad and he told me he don't know too as he has been going outstation with the elder bro and they were too rushing back. I even asked him should I back, and he told me not too, since I still have class and he told me again that I couldn't help much if I was back too. At that moment, I thought maybe I could comfort mum and accompany her so that she won't be alone there as that moment, I never imagined all my relatives were there too.

I was just sitting on the staircase besides my tutorial class, where the staircase is at the end of the corridor where usually people won't passing there and started to text my boyf to asked him to pray for my bro too. The staircase there was just so silent as I wish someone could comfort me too at that moment but I chose to be silent and to be alone, crying like I'm gonna to lost my lil bro soon. Negative thoughts never fails in my mind as I'm considered more pessimistic person in life, where it come to life and death. I was praying hard at that moment, at least the only thing I could do.

I remembered I went out almost 30 mins and I returned back to class once I wiped off my tears. But, I couldn't hide it from Shirley and MJ, perhaps Jason too. I just know I couldn't bother to listen to Mr.Darren bullshitting at the class for one and half hours without discussing any single of the tutorial questions. Soon after the class end, I turned at the back where Shirley was sitting,trying to leave and of cause she asked me what had happenned since she saw something is not right with me. At that moment, I just couldn't uttered properly to reply her and I can sense tears were dropping soon and I just headed down to the table and cried. A big cried as what I can remember now.

I think they knew what had happen ( I assumed maybe MJ saw my text with my sis as she was sitting beside me at the class) and they just let me to throw it all out before I continued to speak. After I regained my energy, I told them I was afraid, and I don't know what I can do, and asked should I go back as that evening I still have a lecture class but I told them at that moment, I really can't concentrate anymore. All of them insisted I should go back and all of them accompanied me back. I never thought that and I never would want to trouble them.

Shirley drove and Jason was instructing her the road. I was still shaking deep inside and my tears never seem to stop. While in the car, I reflected the chilhood memories of my bro and I, everything was like just flipping as if like pages by pages, and I knew I should stop thinking about them. Perhaps, the chinese normally thought that is it a bad signal when this things come in the mind after something bad happened. I stopped myself from thinking and just wish I can reach to the hospital asap.

Hmmm, I never realize I write so long! Must be boring right as if you still continuing reading as you all might want to know more about my bro's condition.

Ok! I shall continue. Once I reach hospital, I walked to the EU there and get my mum, and I saw my family was there too, with some of the relatives. Mum told me bro was still inside and asked me to go inside and told him I was there, and tried to comfort him. The moment I saw my bro, my heart was so ached  to the maximum, I saw he was lying there restless, with all the pipes on the nose, and needles attached to his hand, his neck with those things protected, er, is like a stuff to protect the neck.... I don't know what should I call that thing. I talked to him I was here, and he blinked his eyes weakly trying to respond to me. I asked if he got any pain, he must informed any of us. That moment was really awful. I never imagined that in my life I will encounter this!

As I was not allowed to stay long, I came out to call one of my bro's friend to go inside as my bro requested him to go in to have some talk. I went over to my family and trying to comfort my mum. The thing saddened was what my aunt had told me. She told me while she was trying to comfort my bro and told her everything was going to be fine and asked him to rest and slept for a while, my bro protested that he cannot sleep. He needs to be awake! "wo bu neng shui, wo yi ding yao qing xing" Perhaps, if directed to mandarin, you will understand the situation more better. (although by that time he is speaking in cantonese). That two "sentences" really make me had goosebump.

Speaking about the doctor over there, I really can't imagined what will happen to my bro as whatever come out from their mouth was, "I assume" or "Maybe". I was like wtf?! Hello, is a life here! Why not you guys give us the confirm answer that we want? Yeah, I can' blame this service from the government hospital. Is like everyone will expected that they will drag us, discussing matters with each other to have conclusion, or maybe need to ask for their mentor about the case. Before I continued, the initial injuries that the doctor told us was they detected a minor line over the spine there and couldn't know whether is was a fractured on the neck there, head concussion and the head was bleeding, but is maybe not a blood clog there, and was just a bruise at the external of the head. Ok! Now you see, how's supposed us not to worried? Why not private hospital in Ipoh? Ok, dad was undecided should he move him to Ipoh and still undecided which to choose. Fatimah? Ipoh Specialist? Pantai? He then called Dr. Jasbir, one of his friend and a.k.a. our family's doctor and told him the condition and he advised dad to let bro stay in TI hospital since his condition is not worsening cause Dr. Jasbir afraid that it will be troublesome if halfway anything happened.

Everything above was happened yesterday... and today, I already got back to Kampar as I need to attend a class that I missed yesterday. I would rather choose to stay if I don't have class. But since bro's condition is more better, mum asked me to back to attend class as my final somehow rather is approaching soon. He still can't be discharged as the head injuries still unidentified whether it could cause complication or not. Or maybe they scare the bruise will affect him, so he still need to be monitored. Really wtf! Cause everything they can't confirm us! But, after seeing he is not pale as yesterday, I already felt much more relief. Thanks god for saving my bro's life. Thanks everyone for praying for my bro as well. I really appreciated it! Thanks to Shirley, MJ and Jason as they are by my side to give me support and comfort me. Thanks to boyf too, for comforting me and praying for my bro too! Ash babe, thanks for the comfort as well! Don't worry, I'll be fine! Bro will be fine also! Fingers crossed! Praying hard everything will be alright!

Re-edit @ 11.54pm : I don't know whether everyone will read this freaking long contents, but one of my friend told me, that my blog's content was misleading. I want to clarify something, my brother is not in ICU, he is in normal ward. He is conscious, able to talk, eat and drink. As I said, the head injuries is still unidentifiable whether it will bring harm or not that resulted he still need to be hospitalized. Once again, I am really tired, and I am sorry if I couldn't reply anyone of you that asked me something about it. Just let me regain my strength and get the confirmed answer from the doctor, that he is totally FINE, only I will let you all inform! Thanks for the concerns and prayers from all of you guys and I'm sincerely appreciated!

P/s: Pray, praying, prayed!

1 comment:

eddie said...

dont worry, everything will be just fine... and by now i am sure ur brother starting running around again... :)
keep the prayers on... -eddie-